the past week has been a nightmare. everything happened so swiftly that i didnt have the time to fully absorb the impact of what has happened... no doubt im sad, knowing i wont be able to call out 'ahgong' anymore. no doubt im angry with myself, for procrasinating my visits to the nursing home.
but deep down, im glad that his suffering has ended. and i suppose this is all that matters.
and so, what awaits me on my first visit to the nursing home was just a body without a soul. looking at the motionless body covered with a blanket, it just hit me like a speeding train that i have lost my only grandparent left. it makes me feel empty inside, as though i lost a part of myself.
sending off my ahgong on his final journey was worse than i was prepared for. i hope i dun have to go through all these again any time soon.
it's painful times like this that makes you realise how wonderful ur friends can be and how geniune a friendship can be. thanks to my dearest frens for their words of comfort. especially to eileen: u taught me how selfless a friend should be. i can never thank you enough. and to my new-found fren: thanks for accompanying me through those long nights and ur lame jokes that cheered me up, even for that few mins or so.
i feel like an emotional wreak these few days. sometimes, i feel like laughing nonstop. while there are times when i feel like burying my head in someone's arms and have a good cry. there are even times when i feel so bottled up that i want to vent my frustrations & anger on someone. let me quickly pass through this sucky stage of life.
im more worried for my mother. her health aint that good.
my wish for my mother & aunties:
comfort through these difficult days,
smiles when sadness intrudes,
happier memories to replace remorse,
patience to accept the truth,
trust in life that things with turn for the better,
hugs when spirits sag,
strength to continue with life,
love to complete our life.
a promise aint one if there's no sincerity to start off with.
it's worse if there're promiseS made but none being fulfilled.
even though i know i shld just stop harbouring any more hopes,
i just cant help it but to think otherwise.
do you know who you are???
i feel like telling you straight.
but then again, i dun want to jeopardise our friendship.
oh wait! is there still a friendship between us?
cuz friends dun misplace each other's trust.
understand, yeah i know there also shd be mutual understanding.
i really wish to understand ur circumstances.
i know u're very busy.
so i waited. and waited...
yet again, i've waited so long for nothing.
why dun you just tell me directly to stop hoping like an idiot?
my intention is not to be harsh.
it's just that i've been suppressing my emotions on this issue for quite a long time.
i duno when i can continue on pretending im not affected by this.
i told you im an emotional wreak.